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Yeah so the whole "rock and roll is the devil's music" thing was--is, there are still Christian denominations that believe this--just, like, transparently racist. But at the same time... well, the thing about rock 'n' roll is that, like the blues and jazz before it, it was a black, rural, southern phenomenon that basically managed to break containment, to enter the channels of cultural commodification and remake America in its image. Like, what can I say, once the Invisible Hand got ahold of this stuff and transmitted it into the bedrooms of teenagers everywhere--once it gave those teenagers a familiar-yet-unfamiliar model for their own kind of emotional and libidinal self-expression--well there was just no putting that back in the box, right?
One of the standard bits of edgelord post-Christian contrarianism is to say that Eve, the original curious teenager, actually had the right idea eating that apple. I wonder if she knew how to do the twist.
Pre-Beatles rock music is still a massive blind spot of mine, even though I love it a lot.
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Fats Domino - This Is Fats Domino! (1956)
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8/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Josephine Williams (15), who helps her mom out at the dry goods store after school.
REVIEW:
This guy, twenty years before Fat Boys, figured out something important, namely that an obesity-themed gimmick is actually the key to stardom. (but his name actually is "Domino", which is crazy!)
But no... this guy's music is, for lack of a better word, serious. This is rock 'n' roll but more to the point it's also New Orleans R&B, which as previously established is the best genre. There's also a significant amount of swingin' prewar-style jazz here, particularly in the horn arrangements, and Mr. Domino has a very robust, confident, almost croonerish delivery. So the end result is that when he sings a sweet love song like "Blueberry Hill" or "Honey Chile", or a heartbreak ballad like "What's the Reason I'm Not Pleasing You" or "Blue Monday", it doesn't sound like a youthful infatuation, it sounds like something with consequences, y'know?
Plus it's got a beat and you can dance to it.
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Elvis Presley - Elvis Presley (1956)
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8/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Mark Clune (16), who stole a motorcycle and drove it a few counties over before being pulled over and sent home, but who did not do any jail time because his uncle is county sheriff.
REVIEW:
"The songwriting isn't that great!" "The arrangements are boring!" "It's really inconsistent and full of filler!" "It's more important as a historical document than it is enjoyable as an actual album you listen to!" I hear your criticisms, and I respond: shut up, nerds. You are missing the point.
And the point is the weird, weird things that Elvis does with his voice. Like, on tracks like "Blue Suede Shoes" and "One Sided Love Affair" he does such odd, manic little yelps and warbles--he sounds like he occupies the middle of the venn diagram between a fire-and-brimstone revival preacher and a blushing virgin mid-defloration, which is just a crazy effect. And more than anything that's Elvis's impact: he brought capital-R capital-E Romantic Expressionism back to forefront of white American culture. (and, yes, i should mention that Elvis, who was infamously billed as "the white man who could sing like a black man", was just doing things that black people had been doing, and doing better, for years. and, indeed, his versions of songs like "I Got a Woman" and "Tutti Frutti" are... not the definitive ones.)
And honestly? It's still an absolutely electrifying thing, almost seventy years later. It is, I will say, kind of a letdown when he doesn't do it, when he reins it in a bit on the slow ballads--but on the other hand, there's a bit at the end of this album ("I'll Never Let You Go (Little Darlin')" and especially "Blue Moon") where he channels that energy in an introspective, oneiric sort of way, and it's the kind of thing that David Lynch would later build his entire artistic project off of.
So I repeat: shut up, nerds. I'm going to push you into a locker and then go off and make out with a cheerleader.
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Johnny Burnette & the Rock 'n' Roll Trio - Johnny Burnette & the Rock 'n' Roll Trio (1956)
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8/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: James Del Rio (14), who already has frown lines around his eyes and callouses on the palms of his hands.
REVIEW:
These guys, more than anything, just can give you a visceral groove. The dirty, distorted rhythm on songs like "Honey Hush", "Lonesome Train", "Rock Billy Boogie", and "The Train Kept a Rolling" just compels you to move--in many ways this presages funk, and also metal, which is just crazy. Unfortunately this band also indulges in a lot of slow country balladry, which they are not terribly good at--but on the other hand, how cool is it when Johnny screams? This was recorded in July of '56, and so that may have been the inaugural White Boy Summer.
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Elvis Presley - Elvis (1956)
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5/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Sylvia Clune (17), who is Mark's older sister, and who shakes her head at her brother's antics with not a hint of jealousy.
REVIEW:
Wow that didn't take long. A much more "professional" record than the debut, yes, but they have also already sanded off the things about Elvis that made him exciting. I mean, yeah, it isn't bad, and tracks like "Ready Teddy" do manage to rock effectively... but on the other hand there is a sluggishly-paced faux-sentimental story-song about a dog that dies on here, and it's four minutes long, which in 1956 was the equivalent of a side-long prog rock epic. But I guess that when you tell Elvis to stop being The Pelvis that's what's left. :(
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Little Richard - Here's Little Richard (1957)
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9/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Warren Silverman (15), who is only allowed to practice his saxophone in the park because otherwise his downstairs neighbor complains; sometimes people give him quarters.
REVIEW:
Okay well fuck everything else. This is pure cock rock in the best way, in that's in nothing but desire and nothing but sex in every possible permutation--all over a swingin' New Orleans beat. When Little Richard hits those high notes on "Tutti Frutti" it might actually be the best moment in recorded music.
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Chuck Berry - After School Session (1957)
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8/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Timothy MacDougall (19), who should have graduated last year but failed shop class; now he shows up early every day so that when the freshman girls get off the bus he can offer to "show them around".
REVIEW:
Unquestionably cool, but also kind of goofy, which only adds to the coolness. He can't super decide whether he wants to be a Chicago blues guitar god (which he can very much pull off--I love the way he plays that thing) or a dopey novelty entertainer. To wit: I do not know why this grown-ass man is signing about high school, or I do the reason but I don't like it--and when he does dumb songs about having a job ("Too Much Monkey Business") or buying a car ("No Money Down"), it's just, like, whatever. Oh, "Havana Moon" is actually really interesting melodically but he absolutely ruins it by singing it in this horrible racist voice. But at the same time! He has, to use an anachronistic term, so much rizz that he can pull it off. And my favorite track on here is "Brown Eyed Handsome Man", which is both the most rockin' and the silliest one!
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Johnny Cash - Johnny Cash With His Hot and Blue Guitar! (1957)
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9/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Sam Tillerson (15), who is tall enough that they let her into the bar a town over where no one knows who she is.
REVIEW:
There is a time in every young person's life when they become obsessed with the song "Rock Island Line". There is of course the Lead Belly version, but the one I perhaps come back to the most is Lonnie Donegan's skiffle version, which... that's a British man doing just about the most swagless, comical American accent you'll ever hear but I fucking love it, it's just so much fun. But if you want hear an actual American who has actual swag do this song, check out Johnny Cash here. In his hand it keeps its dramatic, dynamic build but gets this mean, apocalyptic edge. And I mean really, what's more American than reveling in the petty victory of cheating a bureaucrat only for it to kill you and hundreds of innocent people?
Rest of this album is good too. Much of it is originals, which is neat, and the Tennessee Two manage to coax some remarkably tight and interesting rhythms out of a combo setup that doesn't even include drums. Oh, and have you ever really listened to "I Walk the Line"? What a weird, droning, almost meditative song! Almost like it was sung by someone for whom walking the line was actually, like, a struggle--which is why the song works. This whole album works! Johnny Cash is good. Who knew.
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Little Richard - Little Richard (1958)
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9/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Daniel Karlstein (16), who walks through the park every day on his evening paper route and hears Warren playing his saxophone and finds it the best part of his day.
REVIEW:
Better than his first album, better than... most music, really. Like, pound for pound the hits on here hit harder than... pretty much any other rock 'n' roll album you'll hear. Like, "Keep a Knockin'"? "Good Golly Miss Molly"? "The Girl Can't Help It"? "Lucille"? How are you even supposed to compete with that? And however hard other early rock 'n' roll albums may have fucked, this one fucks harder--"Good Golly Miss Molly" still somehow feels shocking in anno domini 2025, both for the sexually frank lyrics and for how good the piano-and-sax breakdown in the middle is (and just to that point, as much as i may talk about how wild this is, there's also serious instrumental craft here). And I will say, the fucking is more expansive than you might think--which is to say that I am so surprised that anyone could have heard "Ooh! My Soul" and still thought Little Richard was straight.
I think that the thing that elevates this album to the stratosphere is that it just never lets up. Like, it has two speeds, and those are "manic barnstorming rocker" and "groovy New Orleans R&B heater" and they both move, y'know? As Little Richard proclaims on "All Around the World", rock 'n' roll is here to stay, and he doesn't just say it, he makes it happen.
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Elvis Presley - Elvis' Golden Records (1958; recorded 1956-57)
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8/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Sheila Meyerholz (13), who skipped two grades and is still the top of her class.
REVIEW:
Title's punctuation implies that these songs are the work, not of one person named Elvis, but rather of multiple iterations of someone called "Elvi".
And that's the thing, right? You've got the corny watered-down blues of "Hound Dog", but then you've also got the electrifying, flamboyant (and just a little bit gay, as the best rock 'n' roll should be) fun of "Jailhouse Rock". "Don't Be Cruel" and "(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear" do the semi-doo-wop backing vocals thing so well, but then "Treat Me Nice" makes them sound so dumb. And the last two tracks--"Anyway You Want Me (That's How I Will Be)" and "I Want You, I Need You, I Love You" genuinely sound like they come from a completely different artist, and a much better one--electrified, secularized gospel that's just crystallized yearning.
But of course that's the thing right? This is a singles comp from a guy who was basically anointed the King Of Rock 'n' Roll before he or anybody even truly knew what rock 'n' roll was. So he was making it as he went along. We all were, and are. Which makes him historically inscrutable, but hey scrutability is overrated. No one will ever scrute me.
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Bo Diddley - Bo Diddley (1958; recorded 1955-58)
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8/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Amanda Marquis (14), who found a ouija board in the attic and is using it to speak to the spirit of a Revolutionary War conscript, upon whom she is developing something of a crush.
REVIEW:
Track one: "Bo Diddley". Track five: "Hey Bo Diddley". Track nine "Diddley Daddy". Track ten: "Didd[l]ey Wah Didd[l]ey". This is definitely an album by Bo Diddley.
No, the thing here is of course the Beat, which is one of those things that feels like it... undergirds the fabric of reality, y'know? You can't hear it and not dance, but then again you're always hearing it whether you know it or not, so maybe the truth is that you're always dancing.
Only other point of interest is how fucking metal the lyrics to "Who Do You Love" are.
SEE ALSO: Grace Gives Me the Blues, Pt. 1: 25 Classic Blues Albums
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The Crickets - The "Chirping" Crickets (1957)
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8/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Barry Melvoin (16), who has decided that his new name is going to be "Burt Melody".
REVIEW:
Buddy Holly, rock 'n' roll's first nerd. Like, before this it was a genre for people who were, in some way or another, alphas, whereas Mr. Holly here was nebbish and nervous and had those glasses.
And for that reason and that reason alone this should be counted as an all-time great album. In truth, it's not all that solid a listening experience--there's a stretch on side B that's just covers of old ballads and it's not much of anything--but it just feels right, y'know? And the kind of rambling outro to "That'll Be the Day"... the magic is there. The magic being "not being able to talk to a girl", but when it comes to rock music that's magic.
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Buddy Holly - Buddy Holly (1958)
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9/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Shannon Melvoin (14), who think her older brother Barry is an absolute idiot but loves him anyway.
REVIEW:
Everyone's favorite rock 'n' roll alt-history speculative exercise is "what if Buddy Holly hadn't died when he did", and specifically "would he have taken the place that British Invasion guys ended up occupying", and here I am to say: yes. As this album makes clear, Holly--and his producer/cowriter Norman Petty, who is just as important here--was absolutely already looking towards lush, experimental pop music back in '58, and it's great. You know the odd, percussive "Peggy Sue" (listen to the drums on that sometime, really listen) and the proto-twee "Everyday" (listen to those meaty slaps too), but also please appreciate the Latin-tinged "Look at Me" and the Beatles-before-Beatles "Listen to Me" (Buddy Holly wants your attention). And heck, for all that he is still good at rocking--I've heard a lot of "Ready Teddy"s at this point but this might be my favorite, and I am also a fan of "Rave On", plus Buddy Holly does a pretty convincing Elvis on "You're So Square (Baby I Don't Care)".
So yes, this album is really good, almost a 5... and I really do wonder what would have happened if he didn't get on that plane and rock music ends up remaining so much more US-centric. *time travelling version of me emerges from a glowing portal* "I'm from that alternate timeline and in it Kennedy fucks up the Cuban Missile Crisis real bad, you have to help me reconstruct socie--" *i shoot him with a gun, creating a paradox which rips apart both of our universes*
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Chuck Berry - Berry Is on Top (1959)
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7/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Joey Howard (17), who is picking up extra shifts waiting tables at the local diner to pay for a new detailing job on her car.
REVIEW:
I am sure I am not the only person to think of this, but I have toyed with writing a sci-fi story in which the Earth is visited by a race of aliens who have developed a religion centered around "Johnny B. Goode". Because, yeah, that song, or at least the guitar work on it, is legitimately the best Earth has to offer.
And he replicates that magic a few other times on here! I am thinking, of course, of the other megahits "Maybellene" and "Roll Over Beethoven". But... well, I do not know why, if Chuck Berry was capable of playing the guitar like that, he felt the need to fill all of his albums with dopey novelty songs. I mean, the instrumental "Blues for Hawaiians" is very pretty, but the preceding track "Hey Pedro" is very racist. And it legitimately makes one uncomfortable how much the 33-year-old Chuck Berry sang about being in high school ("Almost Grown", "Anthony Boy", "Little Queenie"). I'd like to say that that's just because rock 'n roll was marketed to teenagers, but I know that the actual reason is much worse than that. :(
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Elvis Presley - Elvis Is Back! (1960)
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7/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Mike Winston (15), who spent last semester at military school in New Mexico, and was in no way affected by the experience.
REVIEW:
Elvis is back! 'Cause, see, he got drafted. Just like BTS. Hey, did Elvis invent K-pop?
But yes, Elvis getting drafted, along with Buddy Holly dying, infamously almost killed rock 'n' roll. Like, that's why there are so many songs about how rock 'n' roll will never die, because it almost did. After '59, we really didn't get very much good rock music until the Beatles came along. And that's despite the fact that Elvis was Back, because see by this point Colonel Tom Parker was pretty much completely in control of him and was making him do corny showtunes.
Corny showtunes, in fact, is what this album is--rock 'n' roll corny showtunes, but corny showtunes nonetheless. Most notable thing here is that future Ween collaborators The Jordanaires are singing on pretty much every track, which makes everything feel very lush, like it sounds good, but it's not really Elvis, you know? It's very restrained and tasteful and that's not what we want. That said--do check out the almost a capella cover of "Fever", which is maybe the most "experimental" Elvis ever got.
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THE COMPLIATION ZONE |
Elvis Presley - The Sun Sessions (1976; recorded 1954-55)
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7/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: John Dern (13), who wakes up early to hear the dawn chorus and then goes for a walk.
REVIEW:
Anachronism time! This was recorded in 1954/55, so before the other stuff here, but wasn't released until the 70s. And indeed, it doesn't fit. It doesn't fit with the greater trajectory of rock 'n' roll, for one, because this is actually pretty much pure country--like, this sounds like Hank Williams or Jimmie Rodgers with maybe a little bit of extra blues put on it. Nor does it really fit in with what Elvis was, 'cause, see, nobody really heard these, not really. The whole thing with Elvis was that he offered this kind of intense, exotic, sexualized danger, but in a way that was available, that was a commodity that people could buy and incorporate into their own lives. Whereas this kind of music... this is very rooted in its own time and place, y'know? It doesn't travel.
And so perhaps it's not surprising that this the most critically-respectable Elvis record, because it unquestionably has aura. But me, I'm just lamenting the lack of hype moments.
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Buddy Holly / The Crickets - 20 Golden Greats (1976; recorded 1956-59)
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7/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Jeff Telmark (18), who was voted "most likely to stay in the area" at his high school graduation and so moved to Istanbul out of spite.
REVIEW:
Eh. Maybe Buddy Holly wouldn't have been the Beatles if he had survived and the Beatles hadn't been the Beatles. Because this comp has all the good songs you know (that are also on his albums), but also has a bunch of sappy orchestral ballads like "Raining in My Heart", and maybe that's what he would have kept on doing through the sixties. That said, check out "Peggy Sue Got Married", one of the earliest acts of musical necromancy.
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Chuck Berry - The Great Twenty-Eight (1982; recorded 1955-64)
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9/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Arnold Kim (18), who had to be talked out of submitting the first chapter of his post-post-modernist novel as his college admissions essay.
REVIEW:
Alright this is the stuff. If you listen to Chuck Berry's actual albums the experience is always that the fast guitar-driven rockers are great but there are way too many dopey joke songs--but this is just the fast guitar-driven rockers and it is amazing. But, okay, actually: Chuck Berry's particular style of very expressive, melodic, yet fundamentally rhythm-focused blues guitar playing is great, we know this, and the fact that every single song he does it on sounds exactly the same is absolutely no issue, it's just so much fun. But more to the point: the real revelation is that, in fact, the fast guitar-driven rockers are also dopey joke songs, they're just dopey joke songs where the jokes land. Mostly because Chuck Berry, as a lyricist, takes the classic subject matter of rock 'n' roll--girls, cars, cars and girls--and then just kind of free-association rambles about them, ending up with these semi-nonsensical shaggy-dog stories. Which, when you play them over a fast guitar-driven rock beat, is just endless fun.
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Chuck Berry - Elv1s: 30 #1 Hits (2002; recorded 1956-76)
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8/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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REAL LIVE EMOTIONAL TEENAGER: Matt Grogan (14), who brought this CD and his Discman on his eighth grade trip to LA and listened to it on the bus; everyone else brough their Discmans (Discmen?) too but they all brought cool albums like Millennium and Let Go and people made fun of him, not maliciously but genuinely, for listening to Elvis. But he still thought it was a good CD.
What? You thought these were all set in the 1950s?
REVIEW:
I mean, structuring it around #1 hits is a pretty easy way to sidestep the "how to make a definitive comp for an artists like Elvis" issue. Same with 1, the thing this is obviously based off of. And indeed, just as 1 ends up maddeningly including "The Ballad of John and Yoko" but not "Strawberry Fields Forever", this thing ends up maddeningly including "Wooden Heart" but not "Blue Suede Shoes". (that one, hilariously, is on 2nd to None, a compilation of Elvis's number two hits. if his song only went to #2 then Elvis is definitionally second to someone!)
But. This compilation is valuable, for the simple reason that these songs are in chronological order. And so you start off with the jittery, horny, overdramatic and utterly unstoppable adolescent rush of the prime rock 'n' roll era--that's the first nine tracks, the "classic Elvis" stuff, everything up through the beautifully sensual and very underrated ballad "Don't". But then... unfortunately Elvis does not outgrow rock 'n' roll, rock 'n' roll outgrows him, and so you get a decade of dumb songs from dumb movies, the nadir of which is the aforementioned "Wooden Heart" (please appreciate how terrible Elvis's German pronunciation is, but more to the point why the hell is Elvis singing in German, our brave boys didn't storm the beaches of Normandy for this)
However. Then something magical happens. Elvis Presley having a big hit in 1969 with a song called, of all things, "In the Ghetto" is already inexplicable, but then the fact the song is great puts it in the realm of the miraculous. And then "Suspicious Minds" is even better! The entire last stretch of this album is amazing, honestly--late 60s/early 70s country-soul comeback Elvis is best Elvis. And I think what you see here is Elvis making peace with his past self, gaining a kindness toward the ridiculousness of his own youth from the perspective of experience. And I mean, real life Elvis did not do that, but the version of Elvis that I have made up in my head and who is just a reflection of me did.
Oh, and then there's Junkie XL's big beat remix of "A Little Less Conversation". That's fun too. It wasn't actually in Ocean's Eleven, that was the original version, but spiritually it was.
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Overall Ranking & Final Thoughts
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Next time, we will be covering "adult" music rather than "teenage" music.
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