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This list is brought to you by Herbieguy9 and viewers like you. Thank you.
Gotta say, when I started doing reviews for money, I expected one of two things to happen, either a) people would just stop recommending me things, or b) I'd get people wanting to hear about their favorite bands. And while I have had a bit of the latter, what I didn't take into account was how much people enjoy causing others pain over the internet.
Hence the cult leaders, hence Funny Man Dan, hence the Rap Critic. And I think that was supposed to be the concept here, except--
~Herbieguy9, you have underestimated my ability to enjoy cheesy 80s smooth jazz! I actually love all of this shit! Except for the stuff that I don't!
This particular list would spawn not one but two sequels!
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Kenny G - G Force (1983)
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8/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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PERSONNEL OF NOTE: Kashif! one of the all-time masters of synth funk
RELEVANT EMOJI: 😎
REVIEW:
You guys... Kenny G is good...
No, seriously. You basically just have to realize that what you've got here isn't jazz, it's an absolutely bangin' synth-funk/boogie album to play on the speakers of your drop-top Mini Cooper. Only with a saxomophone instead of a vocalist. Only not even! Two of these tracks are pop singles with a singer! And honestly, Mr. G's sax is pretty cool too. Very slick but also very soulful.
And he even looks cool on the cover of this--guy should have worn his hair short more, it makes me look way less like Weird Al.
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Bob James - Obsession (1986)
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8/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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PERSONNEL OF NOTE: both of The Brecker Brothers, but not at the same time
RELEVANT EMOJI: 🗿
REVIEW:
One of those albums that sounds like a guy along in his basement with a lot of synths, even though there's actually a full band here. So it's sterile and overly-processed, yes, but when is that ever a bad thing? I mean, some of this shit isn't too different from what 坂本龍一 [Ryuichi Sakamoto] was doing around this same time, and yes I am completely serious about that--you can't tell me that "Rousseau" wouldn't sound right at home on 音楽図鑑 [Ongaku zukan].
Also, must point out the pop single "Gone Hollywood", and specifically how great it is--what I like about it is how it deploys the famous Doobie Bounce for the chorus, but in such a way to emphasize the melodic rather than rhythmic side of the Bounce.
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Miles Davis - Tutu (1986)
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2/10
⭐⭐
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PERSONNEL OF NOTE: story is that Miles Davis wanted to work with Prince but couldn't get him so the label gave him some rando to make Prince Type Beats
RELEVANT EMOJI: 😐
REVIEW:
I think if you've been following me at all you've probably realized that not only do not mind cheesy synthed-up 80s muzak, I actively enjoy it. But, like. You have to be good at at. And I am sorry but Miles is not. "Splatch" sounds like Club Nouveau's cover of "Lean on Me", also known as the scourge of retail workers everywhere, for god's sake. And it's not like the horn playing in any ways stands out above the clanging and blaring of the backing tracks, because it does not.
This guy made In a Silent Way! What the heck!
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Frank Zappa - Jazz From Hell (1986)
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3/10
⭐⭐⭐
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PERSONNEL OF NOTE: Zappa's regular touring band... on one song
RELEVANT EMOJI: 🤬
REVIEW:
Ah yes, the Synclavier, that incredibly cursed digital synth that broke so many minds back in the 80s. I think that a certain kind of musician fell in love with that thing because it offered the tantalizing prospect of absolute control--the idea that, finally, you could eliminate all outside factors and bring the compositional ideas you have in your mind into the world untainted and unadulterated. So, given that, when Frank Zappa got access to one of these things, why did he choose to make an album like this?
Well, if you asked him, I think his answer basically would have been: trololololo. u mad bro?
'Cause that's right: Frank Zappa made a bad album on purpose. (unlike all of the rest of his albums, which are bad on accident) See, famously this was the album that came out right after the Tipper Gore PMRC hearings, and it got slapped with one of those "explicit lyrics" stickers, despite... not having lyrics. I honestly feel like making an album as purposefully un-musical as this was Mr. Zappa's way of getting back at the general public, although I don't pretend to follow how that actually works logically. I mean, he even tells you right out the gate! This thing is called Jazz From Hell!
The actual vibe, weirdly, is almost kind of relaxing, in an ambient-adjacent sort of way--when literally every note is wrong, they all start to seem kind of right. It's interesting, actually, to take a look at the one non-Synclavier track "St. Etienne", which is bad in a completely different way as the rest of the album--it sounds like a bar band who just wants to go home but they have to keep jamming until 1AM or they don't get paid. Whereas the rest of this album sounds like nothing a human being could ever actually make!
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Henry Kaiser - Devil in the Drain (1987)
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2/10
⭐⭐
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PERSONNEL OF NOTE: nobody lol
RELEVANT EMOJI: 🐟
REVIEW:
Jazz From Hell, only he actually thinks it's good. People will say this about literally any experimental jazz album but in this case it's actually true: this is just a bunch of random noises! And not even good ones!
And what's crazy is that there's one track on here--"Free to Choose"--that not only doesn't sound anything like that, but honestly sounds Lgorgeous--a lovely little slice of dreamy jazz-Americana. So Mr. Kaiser was actually Free to Choose to make good or bad music, and he chose bad music.
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Chick Corea Elektric Band - Light Years (1987)
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6/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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PERSONNEL OF NOTE: Dave Weckl, who we will be encountering again later
RELEVANT EMOJI: 👽
REVIEW:
It's fine. Very synthetic smooth fusion, but at least you can tell that real people are playing real instruments on this. I really like closing track "View From the Outside". What's interesting here is that you can't properly stream this anywhere--I listened to it via sketchy YouTube rip. And that's crazy because the other Elektric Band album To the Stars is available everywhere--and that's a Scientology album!
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Herbie Hancock - Perfect Machine (1988)
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8/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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PERSONNEL OF NOTE: Bootsy Collins and Sugarfoot, bringing the funk
RELEVANT EMOJI: 🚬
REVIEW:
Are you ready for some FUNK???? Gee I hope so, because this is actually a pretty damn solid funk album, and not in the smooth sophisticated way, in the sweaty way. Mr. Hancock also gives us some more "Rockit"-style electro and even some--gasp--jazz piano. Very cool in other words!
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Wayne Shorter - Joy Ryder (1988)
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6/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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PERSONNEL OF NOTE: Patrice Rushen, who sure was rushen to play on this record
RELEVANT EMOJI: 🏎️
REVIEW:
So first off: purely compositionally, this is actually really good. Like, that corny "eastern" melody on "Cathay"? The big dramatic vocal ballad "Someplace Called Where"? I love that shit! That said... I think the thing I am coming to realize is that, at least with 1988-era technology, you could not play the synthesizer loosely. Try and play an old synth the way an accomplished jazz musician would play a piano and you get the crashing and blaring you hear on this thing.
EDIT: so listening to this again this doesn't actually have that much in common with Mr. Shorter's other cheeseball 80s albums--the whole ramshackle loud pseudo-looseness thing was actually a conscious choice. Wild.
SEE ALSO: Short King Spring: 22 Albums by Wayne Shorter
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Quincy Jones - Back on the Block (1989)
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9/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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PERSONNEL OF NOTE: LITERALLY EVERYBODY... except, interestingly, Q's most famous protege Michael Jackson, whose absence is really felt--he gets multiple vocalists who were seemingly selected based on their ability to do a Michael Jackson impression, which is hilarious
RELEVANT EMOJI: 🎅
REVIEW:
Only Q could get Ray Charles to start listing brands of credit card in the middle of a song.
Only Q could cut a track featuring the last recorded performances of both Sarah Vaughan and Ella Fitzgerald, which is kind of like how Orson Welles's last recorded performance is in Transformers: The Movie.
Only Q could get Big Daddy Kane and Kool Moe Dee to rap about how much they love jazz, and get Ice-T to rap about how much he hates doing crime.
Only Q could make a bunch of objectively cool people join an a capella group.
Only Q could do a song with a children's choir and have it not suck.
ONLY Q.
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Dave Weckl - Master Plan (1990)
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7/10
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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PERSONNEL OF NOTE: dk but did you know that there's a Pop'n Music artist who's named Jimmy Weckl after Dave here? it all goes full circle
RELEVANT EMOJI: 🏝️
REVIEW:
Solo album from Chick Corea's late period drummer, and it's... propulsive, in the best way. Track pick is "Here are There", which starts off as a gentle fun little shuffle and then goes into a bunch of prog-rock theatrics, kind of like "Rosanna" by Toto.
...so what I mean to say here is that I actually do understand why people don't like this, but I DO NOT AGREE.
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Overall Ranking & Final Thoughts
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Can you believe I made a list about jazz and arguably the worst album on it is by Miles Davis?
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